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| okay, alright. it's been made of stupid and irrational thought and bad decisions lately. i'm trying trying trying to fix it, even though here 'fixing' it really just means trudging through the proverbial snow and fucking biting the bullet. there's nothing to do now but wait. there's no magical cure, there is no pill to take, no tonic and no surgery. which makes it maybe the worst thing possible. the waiting game.
though i actually found out something that makes it go away for a little while. it's no cure, it's a coping method. it makes things melt away for those three minutes and for a while i'm okay, i'm graceful [maybe]. when i dance i can forget about you and your lies and then all the other things on top of that. when i blast music in my room and unthinkingly move against it, thoughts of certain days and nights and years [wait months? it can't be just weeks] don't actually come to mind. it's the lyrics and the music and how it makes me feel, how it makes my body want to move.
maybe i've said this about other things before, maybe this is what singing was like to me. but i suppose things change. for now i can't keep my arms tucked in, i can't keep from spinning, leaping, reaching. and it's not even reaching out for you. it's for that one line, it's going along with a script that i don't know.
the unfortunate part is that the song ends. the play list can't go on forever and i come crashing back down and i can't hate it enough. but someone said to me "so DO something about it."
... i guess i'll just dance, then. so fuck you. get off of my stage.
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| taken from another blog. lol
The thought that there may or may not be something more to the inner workings of my mind, as in hidden problems and bad coping strategies, makes me definitely beat against what I believed to be a sanctioned wall of the school of psychology.
Say you want to become a doctor. It's all nice and fine and you learn all the right things to say to people when they get the bad news that they're dying, that there is really no hope left for them, that all you can do is ease their passing. But what happens when you contract a disease? When you find out that you have cancer or you find out that your loved one is dying of a terminal disease?
Basically what I'm saying is that the idea of psychology thrills me and I cannot wait for the opportunities to help others, especially those that are in desperate need of guidance (and medication). There are a lot of things that I want to learn in how to talk to people, how and when I should express my self, how to deal with urgent situations. The only thing is that you learn hardly anyone is particularly "normal," which makes sense. Every one will have some kind of problem or another, mild or not.
But when it's you... that's when it's the most difficult to grasp. Hold your horses, I'm not saying that I found out they have to put me on lithium or something. It's just that, okay, yeah, maybe things happened when I was younger that could [or not] lead to a somewhat skewed world view.
Alright, let's apply what I learned, okay? And you can be the judge of if I'm exaggerating/downplaying anything in particular.
Signs of abnormality:
A threat to the safety of your self or others - well. Yes. I'm violent, but in all seriousness I don't hurt my self and I don't feel the urge to kill people and bury them in my basement.
Socially and Culturally unacceptable behavior - no. At least I'd like to think not. I mean, I'm not parading around and lynching people, nor am I walking around with weird symbols painted on my face. I'm not giving back room abortions and I'm not selling crack to stay-at-home moms.
Distress - due to my hardy nature or at least my stupidity, I don't ever find things that particularly freak me out enough to the state of it not being "bearable." This is the only one that feels iffy to me, as I can't really tell if I'm not bothered or if I just suppress things. But honestly, nothing in my life is really that not trivial. Awesome sentence.
Impairment - Besides a terrible work ethic (or just the ability to be easily distracted), none of my particular habits are things that impair my ability to live a normal life.
All in all, I do think that I am what we call "okay." No, things don't exactly go as planned, but that is the way that life goes, and it's not like I ever have a really solid plan anyway. I would like to think that after a little bit of fumbling I can take things in stride and have enough of a head on my shoulders to really seek help when "it all" becomes too much for me to handle.
And I can't help but wonder if this is what people always tell themselves, even those that really do need help.
So. The nitty gritty is that I have no idea what's going on and have little to no real life expereince to really conclude anything besides "halp?"
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| as to not forget the existence of xanga...
i would like to state in the here-and-now that life, though in a kind of lull, is not the worst it's even been. but hey, i've never actually LIVED so i'm not really sure what my current state of existence equates to. so really, i'm just back at 'i don't know' followed by 'i don't care' because it does, actually, feel quite nice.
guard is frightening. in a good way.
school starts soon.
what else? not much. well, besides wondering what 'love' means lately. but i think it's a good kind of wondering, not so much to angry interrogations.
so yes. ohohoh, if you leave a comment, try and tell me a story, too. it'll be fun to read. (:
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| I haven't written anything half way to decent since something about lesbians and that really only appealed to the lefties. Let's not go there. Since we're on the subject of homosexuality... I have nothing to say. Gods DAMN life is sucking harder than a pretty-boy in prison right now.
Remember what content was? It was when I didn't have to fucking rant on this ass rape of a website just to get things off my chest, just so I can curse in font a little bit bigger than 12 pt. Excuse me while I do so.
1) FUCK. 2) SHITTY FUCK. 3) FUCK THAT SHIT. 4) That shit was FUCKED. 5) FUCK, that was THE SHIT. 6) Fuck you, shit face.
Fugly. I feel FUGLY.
Sleep, I come to thee, and I hope you brought cocaine because I want to get OUT of this low.
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| DISNEY AGAIN? OH MY GOODNESS OKAY. (taken from dA)
Tuesday, I'm pretty sure, we went on Big Thunder Mountain twice in a
row, accidentally following two younger boys that loomed over all five
of us. We were going to go on Alice In Wonderland, the fireworks were a
bit away from starting, so we couldn't go on it. After a moment of
disappointed pout faces at the lady, Steffi, Alex, and my self pointed
dramatically in the same direction and shouted "Space Mountain!" or
something like that in true "To he basketball courts!" fashion. We also
went on the Nemo ride that day! While not the most exciting thing in
the world, it was really cute and displayed the advances in underwater
projections and such.
ANOTHER amazing thing on Tuesday was the
Jedi Academy thing with the children volunteers as Younlings. THEY GAVE
THEM ROBES. CAN YOU SAY "ADORABLE"? Then they brought out Darth Vader
and had the Younglings fight him (they had been taught a certain move
over and over).
Jedi: Now duck!
Little girl: ...
Jedi: ... Good duck!
And another wonderful quote from that little show would be, "You ignored every word I said- I like it."
Oh,
also I would like to state that the song/musical of the trip was,
indeed, Avenue Q, and not even by choice. "If you were gay" was the
tune that just happened to hang around in our heads and it made it self
known more often than not. Now let's see if I can remember the rest of
the trip.
Wednesday! We got up later than we did on Tuesday,
and Tuesday we got up later than we did on Monday, so we saw the trend
coming for Thursday and did absolutely nothing to stop it. Anyway.
Wednesday was actually another really fun day! Yes! It's all coming
back to me now! Let's see if I can remember the series of event
correctly...
We got up, all of us which included Alex, at about
8:30, I think and we left the hotel after more bageling and cream
cheesing and COFFEE at about nine thirty and got there in time for the
California Adventures opening. I cannot express my relief that we went
during our spring break because there was hardly a line ANYwhere. A 45
minute wait on Peter Pan (later in the day) is NOTHING, folks. NOTHING.
Anyway, back the the adventurous California. We went on Sorin' over
California first and didn't really have to wait in line for a long
time. During our ten minute wait we discussed Randy and Lou and how Lou
reminds us of someone else and had many, many... many more of those "You Had To Be There" moments. It's lovely.
After
Sorin', during which Sharon pretended to pop the hot air balloons,
knock over some rock climbers, and I think drop things on the white
water rafters (who the **** says you have to grow up? Ever?  ),
I had solidified my conclusion that I will never jump out of an air
plane for the purposes of jumping out of an air plane and I will never
be able to be in a hot air balloon.
We went to the "Boardwalk"
then, after they four of them went on the orange. (And I waited
patiently and tankful that they didn't force me on. James, Anna, Joey,
you guys remember how my ride on the garlic at Bonfonte Gardens went?
Yeah.) We went on the Malibu... Madness....? Ride...? Sharon and I were
screaming so much. SO FUN. I think it was then that we went on the
Grizzly White Water thing where Alex sang songs and Sharon got the most
soaked.
After that was lunch with sour dough bread and a guy that threw
the bloody bread at us (it was funny) and parental calling time, Sharon
laying in the sun and making wet marks on the ground, and my mother
calling me stupid again (it was funny XD). We went on Screaming
California after that, I'm pretty sure... (stupid) and it was fun. O_O
TOWER
OF TERROR: Alex started off the day saying, "Well, maybe... just to at
least say I tried it" and after we got off the ride, "Can we go on
again when it's dark?" It really is that amazing a ride though. I lost
my voice or something. YOU try not to scream while being dropped
several stories.
Obviously I don't remember the order of events but we got fast passes to something (Screamin'
then went back to Disneyland and there was a 45 minute wait for Peter
Pan and we stayed in it eating Nutella. I do believe that we got dirty
looks from other females striving to stay thin. A little boy was
looking at the chocolate and drooling and I'm pretty sure that if a)
there was another spoon and b) I had noticed, I would have given him
some chocolate.
THE FIREWORKS SHOW. Makes the car alarms in
the parking lot of our hotel go off. And we didn't see any of it on
Tuesday because we were underwater with NEMO! So on Wednesday while we
were in line for Big Thunder and shouting "MATTHEW?!" from time to
time, we got to see the fireworks show. You know the best part? We got
to be on the ride as the fire works were still going. It was amazing.
Seriously. Going up a hill while there are giant balls of flaming
material in the sky? TOTAL. WIN.
On our last ride on Space Mountain, we all posed for the photo. It's in my scraps and I swear it's work the look.
After
that- shopping! Spending $133.61 (YES I REMEMBER DAMMIT) all in one go
kind of makes your stomach want to leave and your eyes kind of
hemorrhage. Kind of. We got on a tram this time and got dropped off in
the parking garage which we were kind of trapped in... it was actually
kind of fun in a strange, espionage kind of way. That night I think
that we all pretty much crashed... except I took a shower and repacked.
So. It was actually Michele and Alex and Steffi that really crashed.
On
the ride home, Steffi took over the driving for a little bit, we had In
And Out because it's amazing, and were home by five or six. I honestly
don't remember.
I got my dad a shirt that says, "Judge me by
my size, do you?" and has Yoda on the back wearing a Mickey hat,
holding a Mickey ice cream, and standing in front of a sign that's
telling him he's too short to go on the ride. James has the same one.
Michele thought that just the text would have made GREAT boxers.
Baby clothes are really, really, really cute. I got my little unborn brother a onesie. It's blue and has Mickey on it. It makes me happy and wiggly. (:
Hey guys! We needs to go on a trip again!
If
I got some order wrong please don't end me it was all too much a blur
of fun. Seriously. And we didn't play the penis game ONCE. We should be
proud of our selves.
Click here for funny picture of faces that I'm sure can break Google.
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